Real Help

We pick up the action as Mabel requests my presence in the bathroom for the 9th time to watch her do a floating trick in the bathtub.

Mabel:  Mommy would you PLEASE come here and watch me?

Me:  No Mabes, I said "This is the last time, the last time."  Now I'm doing something else for you.

Mabel:  What are you doing?

Me:  I'm cleaning your room.

Mabel:  That's nice Mommy. But if you want to do something really nice for me...you'll come here and watch this.

Lemonade

Mabel told me this joke over dinner last night. She learned it at school and she told it really well. So I just got her to repeat it to me. Enjoy!

Lemonade

The duck paddled over to the lemonade stand that day and he says,
"Heyyy buddy, got anyyyyyyy...grapes?"

And the lemonade guy says, "We don't have any grapes, we have lemonade."
And the duck paddled away, but he came paddling back the very next day, and he said...
"Hey duuude, got annnnyyyy grapes?"

And the lemonade guy said, "No, we don't have grapes, this is a lemonade stand."
And the duck paddled away, but he came right back the very next day.
"Heeeeeyyyyyy man, got anyyyyy grapes?"

And the lemonade guy said, "This is a lemonade stand, we don't have grapes and if you ask again I'm going to glue you to a tree and leave you there forever!" And the duck paddled away, but he came paddling back the very next day.
"Heeyyyyy duuude, I've got two questions for you. Got anyyyyyy glue?"

And the lemonade man said, "No! This is a lemonade stand!!!"
And the duck said, "Well then my second question is...got annyyyyy grapes?"


 *Editor's note: At the second telling, Mabel made it 'three' questions and the second question was, "Got any boogery noses?" But the staff here at MDS didn't feel you needed to know that.

This Is Why Mommy Drinks Wine At Dinnertime.

Mabel:  Mommy? Can I have a deal? If I eat all this broccoli, and these pieces of turkey burger, can I be done dinner?

Me:  Mabes, I don't do eating deals. That's Daddy's thing, not mine.

Mabel:  But if I finish those things, can I be done?

Me: I told you Mabes, I don't do deals.

Mabel:  But can I be done if I eat all that?

Me:  No. You have to eat your whole dinner.

Mabel:  But I'm not hungry.

Me:  Okay, well then you'd better go upstairs and go to bed to preserve your energy.

Mabel: I want to go play with Abigail and Catelyn.

Me:  Well, if you don't eat your dinner you're going to be too weak to play.

Mabel:  No I'm not.

Me:  Yeah, you will. And you'll tell me you're hungry too.

Mabel: No I won't.

Me:  Just finish your dinner, Mabes.

Mabel: But if I just eat those pieces I'll be full.

Me:  No deals.

Mabel:  But I can eat just those pieces and be done?

Me:  Fine. Yes.

Mabel:  Can I have ice cream for dessert?


The longest stare down in the history of stare downs happens between us.


Mabel:  I'm pushing it, right?

Me:  Yep.

Mabel:  It's okay, I get it.
You can just give me cookies.

Rules.

Me: Could you go get in the bath, please Bubs?

Mabel: (sobbing. head pressed against the upstairs back bedroom screen window. looking forlornly down the street at her friends.) I don't like Daddy anymore.

Me:  What happened? Tell me.

Mabel:  Daddy made me come inside and quit playing. and NOBODY else has to go in yet, they're still playing outside.

Me:  Mabes, it's 7 o'clock. Everybody goes in pretty close to 7. They're gonna go in any second. All of them. You all have roughly the same bedtime.

Mabel:  Uh uh. Katelyn gets to stay up later. She told me.

Me:  Well, Katelyn is 9. You are four.

Mabel:  Yeah. I'm gonna be 9 one time. I should have thought better of that.

Me:  Yeah.

Mabel:  Why do grown-ups get to stay up late and kids don't?

Me:  Because we're adults, and adults make all the rules. That's just the way it is. But it changes, because you grow up and you become an adult. Then you get to make all your own rules. And the better your rules are, the better you'll do out there.

Mabel:  Yeah. That makes sense.

Me:  Yeah? Good.

Mabel:  And your Mommy and Daddy died right, so now you have me and you get to make the rules for me right?

Me:  Right. And I try to make good rules for you so that you'll be better at making your own rules when the time comes. Make sense?

Mabel:  Yeah.

Me:  And we'll work on letting you start making some of your own rules very soon, okay? It'll be one of our summer projects.  What do you think?

Mabel:  Yeah, I want to make a rule. And then Team Brookalieh has to follow it.

Me: Okay.

Mabel:  My rule is I always get ice cream after dinner and you have to give it to me and let me have it, and you can't say, "NO CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM FOR YOU YOU DID NOT FINISH YOUR DINNER!"

Me:  Daddy and I will conference on that.


A little pause. Then...


Mabel: I love Daddy.

Me:  I know. Go get in the bath.

Not Tricked, No Treat.

Mabel:  Mom-mee? For eating so much dinner, can I have a treat? 

Me:  (looking at her virtually untouched dinner plate) No, Mabes. You can't.

Mabel:  Whyyy? 

Me:  Because just saying 'I ate so much', isn't the same as actually eating. You didn't eat anything, Mabes. 

Mabel:  I'm not hungry. 

Me:  Okay, but then don't ask for a treat. 

Mabel:  My tummy told me that it doesn't want broccoli. 

Me:  Well, my Mommy-ness out-ranks your tummy. 

Mabel:  Then I'm not going to love you anymore. 

Me:  Okay. 

Mabel:  When you ask for a hug, I'm going to say 'no'. 

Me:  I'll take it under advisement. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? If you give me a treat, I'll eat the rest of my broccoli. 

Me:  That's not the way it works, buddy. 

Mabel:  Do you know what I'm doing right now? I'm looking for another family to come get me.  I'll go live with Anasofia's mommy. Then you'll never get to see me. You'll miss me. 

Me:  Yes I will. 

Mabel:  You'll have to find another little girl to love you, because I won't love you anymore. 

Me:  I'll be very sad. It will be hard because I love you so much. 

Mabel:  Maybe your next girl will eat my broccoli. 

Me:  Ooh, do you think so? I'll put that in my ad. 

Mabel:  What ad? 

Me:  The one I'm going to put in the paper, looking for a new little girl to replace you when you go away. Ooh, I guess I'd better go pack your bag. This is the sad part, huh?

Mabel:  Yes. 

There's a long pause, followed by several mouthfuls of broccoli. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? You wouldn't really get another kid, would you? 

Me:  You'd be impossible to replace, Mabes. I'd never let you go. 

Mabel:  I love you Mommy. And I love broccoli! I just remembered! 

After chewing several bites of broccoli at the same time, Mabel takes a messy hunk of green out of her mouth and not-so-subtley drops it on the floor beneath her chair. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? NOW can I have a treat? 

Parlez-vous bullshit?

Mabel:  Mommy. Listen to this: (incomprehensible)!!!  I speak French now.

Me:  Oh. Well, next year you're going to learn French in school.

Mabel:  I don't need to learn, I know French.

Me:  Well, you could learn a little more. And you could learn enough to teach me.

Mabel:  Don't you know French?

Me:  Only a little.

Mabel:  Listen to what I know: (pure gobbledeegook)!!! See? I know more French than you.

Me:  Yes, I guess you're right.

Mabel:  Maybe I should be teaching the whole class!

Me:  Well, then you'd be taking jobs away from teachers and they already have enough problems.

Mabel:  Why?

Me:  Well, because the government doesn't treat them very well.

Mabel:  Why?

Me:  Well, it's hard to explain.

Mabel:  Try, Mommy.

Me:  Well, the government makes them work more for the same money.

Mabel:  They get money?!?

Me:  Of course! Teachers are working when they're in the classroom.

Mabel:  What are they doing?

Me:  They're taking care of you, and they're teaching you things.

Mabel:  Mommy, I learned French on my own though. My teacher didn't teach me.

Me:  I guess you're just a natural.

Mabel:  I guess so. Maybe I should talk to the government and tell them to be nicer to teachers.

Me:  Well, you sure do speak their language.

Mabel:  You mean French? Listen: (absolute poppycock)!!!!

Me:  Yep, that's exactly what I mean. 

Birthday Presence

Mabel:  When is it going to be my birthday?

Me:  In a couple of months, Mabes. 

Mabel:  How long is that? 

Me:  (showing on calendar) Every one of these squares is a whole day. So we have to go from here...to here. Then it's your birthday. 

Mabel:  So the next day?

Me:  Well, this day is your birthday. 

Mabel:  Can it be tomorrow? 

Me:  How come? 

Mabel:  Because everyone in my class is having a birthday and they're turning 5. I want to turn 5. 

Me:  You will, Mabes. You just have to be patient. 

Mabel:  Uggh, I HATE being patient! You always say I have to be patient! If you don't let me have my birthday I'm never going to cuddle with you again. Only Daddy will get cuddles! And Teita! None for you! Is that what you want? 

Me:  No. 

Mabel:  Well, I think you should take a time out then and think about what you need to do to make it my birthday. 

Me:  A time out? 

Mabel:  Yep. On the stairs. Go sit on the stairs. 

Me:  Alright Mabes. (I go sit on the stairs).

Mabel:  Are you thinking? 

Me:  Yes. 

Mabel:  Are you ready to come out of time out? 

Me:  Yes. 

Mabel:  Alright, come on out.  Now is it my birthday tomorrow? 

Me:  No Mabes, as hard as I tried, I couldn't make those months and weeks go by with my mind. 

Mabel:  Why?

Me:  Because getting to your birthday involves having patience, and that's what I'm practising - patience. I know your birthday will come eventually and it will be more fun because I was patient.

Mabel:  I could have done it.

Me:  Okay well, I promise you Mabes, if you're patient and you enjoy the rest of the school year, your birthday will come before you know it. And it will be even better because you were patient and you waited.

Mabel:  Sounds like somebody's making excuses.

Me:  Who, me?

Mabel:  Well, there's no one else here I'm talking to, is there?

Me:  Noted.

Mabel: Sorry Mommy, that was rude. I shouldn't have said that.

Me:  Aw thanks Mabes. I love you. It's okay.

Mabel:  Is my birthday closer now?

Me:  Yes.

Mabel:  Yay!