Please. Eat.

Me:  Mabel, please sit down and eat your breakfast.

Mabel: Okay-okay-okay.

(Pause.)

Mabel: I'm sitting.

Me:  Now eat something, please. Mabel. Eat something. Please.

Mabel: What's the majick word?

Me:  I said it.

Mabel:  No you didn't, Mommy.

Me:  Yes, I did. Now eat.

Mabel:  Mommy, you know the word I like to hear. Why don't you say it?

Me:  Yes, I did say it Mabel! Now EAT please! That's the magic word, I said it, now EAT!

Mabel:  That's where the majick word goes, right there, after 'eat', 'NOW EAT PLEASE'! You have to say please, Mommy. It's majick.

Me:  Mabel, you're magic, you're making me nuts. No kidding. Now stop stalling and eat something please, or I'm eating your breakfast myself and you'll be hungry.

Mabel:  Nooooo!

Me:  Then please eat!

Mabel: OKAY-OKAY-OKA-A-AY!

(Mabel eats two bites in silence.)

Mabel: Mommy, I love you.

Me:  I love you too, Mabes.

Mabel:  I have a hug for you.

Me:  Stay in your chair Mabes, you can give me the hug after you eat.

Mabel: Hug-gy!

(I reluctantly allow her to get out of her chair. I receive a lovely hug and kiss.)

Mabel: Hug for Daddy!

(Daddy receives same.)

Me:  Thank you Mabel, now back to your breakfast please.

(Mabel returns to her chair. She takes another bite.)

Mabel:  I'm full. I'm not hungry anymore.

Me: Mabes, you have to eat.  You can't go to daycare on an empty stomach. They won't give you any food until lunchtime and you'll be hungry.

Mabel:  No, I'm full.

Me:  No way, Mabes. You're eating more, you're not wasting that food.

Mabel:  Noooooo! I don't want anymore! My tummy hurts!

Me:  Mabel! You're fibbing! You just want to leave the table! YOU HAVE TO EAT! If you want to go to play, you have to eat!

Mabel:  I'm full!

Me:  Fine! But there are no snacks coming before lunch. I need you to know that.

Mabel:  I know! I don't want a snack!

Me:  Alright. Fine. You're excused.

(I start cleaning up the table. Mabel plays around me. She follows me into the kitchen as I carry her plate.)

Mabel: (very quietly) I don't want a snack, Mommy.  K'nai have a popsicle tho?

Me: Too soon, Mabes. (handing her her breakfast plate) Back to the table.

True Meaning Of Birthday.

Mabel:  It's my birthday, right?

Me:  On Friday. But tomorrow we're going to have a party so that all of your school friends can be there.

Mabel:  For my birthday?

Me:  That's right.

Mabel:  Because tomorrow is my birthday?

Me: Well, your birthday is on Friday. You have the same birthday as Canada.

Mabel:  Is it Canada's birthday tomorrow?

Me:  No, Canada's birthday is Friday.

Mabel: (tearing up) I want to have the same birthday as Canada.

Me:  You do! We're just celebrating tomorrow so that your friends from school can come.

Mabel:  Don't they know Canada?

Me:  Yes, they know Canada.

Mabel:  So why can't I have the same birthday as Canada anymore?

Me:  You do have the same birthday as Canada. It's like you're getting an EXTRA birthday this year.

Mabel:  Why doesn't Canada get an EXTRA birthday?

Me:  Because they voted Conservative.

Mabel:  Huh?

Me:  We're going to do a big party for Canada's birthday, just like we always do. And some of your friends will be there, but not all your school friends.

Mabel:  I love my birthday. I get swimming and fireworks.

Me: I know, it's a pretty awesome birthday Mabes. You'll always have the day off.

Mabel:  Even when I'm big?

Me:  Yep. July 1st is a holiday for everyone in Canada.

Mabel:  That's so rock n' roll n' awesome.

Me:  Yes it is, Bubs.

Mabel:  Happy birthday Mommy.

Me:  It's not MY birthday Mabesy.

Mabel:  Yes it is. You're Canada, and Daddy's Canada, and Teita's Canada, and Amtou's Canada, and Gaga and Abigail and Katelyn and Gia and Anasofia and Bodi.  They're all Canada so it's their birthday too.

Me:  You're right Mabel. Happy birthday to us!

Mabel:  Yeah! But just I get cake, right?

Me:  That's right.

Mabel: I love my birthday. 

Penis Problems

Mabel:  Mommy, today? at school? Nicholas asked if he could touch my penis.

Me:  Uh huh. Wait, what?

Mabel:  Nicholas asked Isla and me if he could touch our penis.

Me:  And what did you say?

Mabel:  Mommy, can you and Daddy and i go to the beach soon?

Me: Of course we will.

Mabel: We haven't gone for a long time.

Me: Well, it's been very cold at the beach because winter has been here. But now that the weather is warmer again we can go. So what did you say to Nicholas when he asked you that?

Mabel:  Because it's summer now? Is that why we can go? Summer is warm right?

Me: Right. And yes. You don't have a penis Mabel.

Mabel: Yes I do! I do too have a penis!

Me:  No you don't. You have a vagina.

Mabel:  (saying vagina over and over again and laughing) My mermaid doesn't have a vagina. She's got a fish penis.

Me:  Wait a minute. I need to remember what you're saying right now, we're writing your blog. This conversation is definitely our blog. Why do you think your mermaid has a fish penis?

Mabel:  Because her legs come to a point and she can't walk on it.

Me:  Okay, alright, I think i see what you're getting at.

Mabel:  Mommy, can I bring my helicopter to the beach (riding toy).

Me:  Mabel, you wouldn't be able to ride your helicopter at the beach because of all the sand.

Mabel:  (Thinking) Because the wheels would get stuck in the sand?

Me:  That's right. How would it go?

Mabel:  It wouldn't. It would be like a penis.

Me:  Yeah, so what did you tell Nicholas?

Mabel:  I just showed him my bu-uutt.

Me: Don't show anyone else your butt, okay Mabes?

Mabel:  Just my penis?

Me:  Don't show your penis either. Or your vagina. Just keep that for yourself, okay?

Mabel:  Okay.

Me:  And if Nicholas ever asks again you tell him 'No, that's just for me!'

Mabel:  I'll say 'No Nicholas, my mommy says that my penis is special so i can't show it to you because my mommy says it's too cold out. But if you come to the beach with me and if i show it to you at the beach it'll get stuck in the sand. And I don't want to leave it on the beach, because, it's just for me.'

Me: Close enough.

Spoiler Alert

Lying on her bed in the dark staring up at the ceiling...

Mabel: Mommy?

Lying beside and below her on the trundle mattress...

Me:  Yes Mabes?

Mabel:  Y'know that movie? That one?

Me:  Which movie?

Mabel:  The one. With the Witch. And the Wizard. And the Scarecrow and the Woodsman, and Dorothy? Remember that movie? With the Tin Woodsman and the Cowardly Lion and Dora and Boots and the Wizard and the monkeys are flying and the Witch goes "I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog!" and the Wizard is a big green head, and it's sca-a-a-a-ry, but then Dorothy finds the guy behind the curtain and the Witch gets her in her castle and Dora and Boots fly on unicorns and save her and then I, I go back to my family and you and you (pointing down at me) and you are there, and Dorothy tries to pour water on the Witch, but the Witch goes like this (sheilding face with hands) and then Dora is there and she breathes fire out of her mouth? Fire comes out? That movie?


Long Pause.


Me:  Yeah.

Mabel: I like that movie.


Aaand sleep. 

Another Tiny Insight

Mabel:  Who's that man, Mommy?


(I look up at the news on TV.)


Me:  That's Osama Bin Laden.

Mabel:  Why is his beard like that?

Me:  I don't know.

Mabel:  Who is he?

Me:  Well, he was a bad man. He hurt a lot of people. But he's dead now.

Mabel:  What did he do?

Me:  He told people to fly planes into some buildings.

Mabel:  Whoa. That's bad. People go in buildings.

Me:  Yep, there were people in the buildings when the planes flew into them. And now those people's families are sad.


Mabel stares at the TV for a moment. The story is about Osama's wives.


Mabel:  Is that Ursula's mommy?

Me:  No, that was one of Osama's wives.

Mabel:  Wives?

Me:  Yes, when people get married to someone else, the woman usually becomes the 'wife'.


long pause.


Mabel:  Are you Daddy's wife?

Me:  Sometimes. I mean yes, I am.

Mabel:  Where's Ursula's mommy?

Me:  I don't know where Osama's mommy is.

Mabel:  You shouldn't hurt people. His Mommy would have told him that. That's his problem.

Me:  Well, he had a LOT of problems Mabes.

Mabel: Yeah! (laughing hysterically) That BEARD! (laughs. rolls on floor with legs in the air.) I'm Ursula and this is my BEARD!!


(At this point there is a brief detour in the conversation where Mabel talks about poo and specifically, how Osama's beard is a poo-beard).


Mabel:  I wouldn't hurt people like Ursula. I think maybe his mommy is dead and he's with her now and she's giving him a time out.

Me:  Maybe Mabes.

Mabel:  But then she's hugging him. Because you have to forgive people.

Me:  That's a good idea Mabes. Who told you that?

Mabel: Nobody.

Where Does That Hole Go?

Me: We should update your blog, Mabes.

Mabel: Oh. I can't, my tummy just hurts. You can do it.

Me: What should I say for you?

Mabel: Thank you. Thank you.

Me: Thank you for what?

Mabel: Thank you for kissing me today. (Listening to Peter Pan record.) Is that Captain Hook?

Me: It is.

Mabel: Yeah, I like Captain Hook. But I don't like the other pirates. They're a little scary. Mommy, where does the toilet go?

Me: Huh? The toilet?

Mabel: Yeah, when you go into the hole, where do you go?

Me: Well, the hole goes into the floor, into some pipes, down into the basement and out into the street.

Mabel: So if i fall into the toilet I'll go into the floor, into the basement and out into the streets?

Me: Well...yes.

Mabel: Is that why I have my Dora seat?

Me: More or less.

Mabel: (long pause) Mommy, what would happen if I went into the toilet?

Me: You'd get grounded. Stay out of the toilet.

Mabel: I'm just pretending Mommy. It's how I learn. Get used to it.

Too Much Information.

Mabel: Mommy, could you leave the bathroom please?

Me: Yes, why?

Mabel:  I need privacy.

Me: Are you okay?

Mabel: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for asking.


I leave and go down the hall to the bedroom.

Mabel follows about ten minutes after.


Me: All done?

Mabel: Yes. I poo-ed. Did you hear me?

Me: Nope.

Mabel:  Mommy, this is what I've learned. Poo comes without making a sound. It comes out, then it slips into the water.

Me: Huh.

Mabel: Unless there's a fart. (Deep sigh) Well, that's all I know. I guess I should be heading back to the bathroom. I left my pants there, so. I'll be right back okay. Are you going to be okay?

Me: I'll be okay.

Mabel: Okay, you're welcome for asking.