Spoiler Alert

Lying on her bed in the dark staring up at the ceiling...

Mabel: Mommy?

Lying beside and below her on the trundle mattress...

Me:  Yes Mabes?

Mabel:  Y'know that movie? That one?

Me:  Which movie?

Mabel:  The one. With the Witch. And the Wizard. And the Scarecrow and the Woodsman, and Dorothy? Remember that movie? With the Tin Woodsman and the Cowardly Lion and Dora and Boots and the Wizard and the monkeys are flying and the Witch goes "I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog!" and the Wizard is a big green head, and it's sca-a-a-a-ry, but then Dorothy finds the guy behind the curtain and the Witch gets her in her castle and Dora and Boots fly on unicorns and save her and then I, I go back to my family and you and you (pointing down at me) and you are there, and Dorothy tries to pour water on the Witch, but the Witch goes like this (sheilding face with hands) and then Dora is there and she breathes fire out of her mouth? Fire comes out? That movie?


Long Pause.


Me:  Yeah.

Mabel: I like that movie.


Aaand sleep. 

Another Tiny Insight

Mabel:  Who's that man, Mommy?


(I look up at the news on TV.)


Me:  That's Osama Bin Laden.

Mabel:  Why is his beard like that?

Me:  I don't know.

Mabel:  Who is he?

Me:  Well, he was a bad man. He hurt a lot of people. But he's dead now.

Mabel:  What did he do?

Me:  He told people to fly planes into some buildings.

Mabel:  Whoa. That's bad. People go in buildings.

Me:  Yep, there were people in the buildings when the planes flew into them. And now those people's families are sad.


Mabel stares at the TV for a moment. The story is about Osama's wives.


Mabel:  Is that Ursula's mommy?

Me:  No, that was one of Osama's wives.

Mabel:  Wives?

Me:  Yes, when people get married to someone else, the woman usually becomes the 'wife'.


long pause.


Mabel:  Are you Daddy's wife?

Me:  Sometimes. I mean yes, I am.

Mabel:  Where's Ursula's mommy?

Me:  I don't know where Osama's mommy is.

Mabel:  You shouldn't hurt people. His Mommy would have told him that. That's his problem.

Me:  Well, he had a LOT of problems Mabes.

Mabel: Yeah! (laughing hysterically) That BEARD! (laughs. rolls on floor with legs in the air.) I'm Ursula and this is my BEARD!!


(At this point there is a brief detour in the conversation where Mabel talks about poo and specifically, how Osama's beard is a poo-beard).


Mabel:  I wouldn't hurt people like Ursula. I think maybe his mommy is dead and he's with her now and she's giving him a time out.

Me:  Maybe Mabes.

Mabel:  But then she's hugging him. Because you have to forgive people.

Me:  That's a good idea Mabes. Who told you that?

Mabel: Nobody.

Where Does That Hole Go?

Me: We should update your blog, Mabes.

Mabel: Oh. I can't, my tummy just hurts. You can do it.

Me: What should I say for you?

Mabel: Thank you. Thank you.

Me: Thank you for what?

Mabel: Thank you for kissing me today. (Listening to Peter Pan record.) Is that Captain Hook?

Me: It is.

Mabel: Yeah, I like Captain Hook. But I don't like the other pirates. They're a little scary. Mommy, where does the toilet go?

Me: Huh? The toilet?

Mabel: Yeah, when you go into the hole, where do you go?

Me: Well, the hole goes into the floor, into some pipes, down into the basement and out into the street.

Mabel: So if i fall into the toilet I'll go into the floor, into the basement and out into the streets?

Me: Well...yes.

Mabel: Is that why I have my Dora seat?

Me: More or less.

Mabel: (long pause) Mommy, what would happen if I went into the toilet?

Me: You'd get grounded. Stay out of the toilet.

Mabel: I'm just pretending Mommy. It's how I learn. Get used to it.

Too Much Information.

Mabel: Mommy, could you leave the bathroom please?

Me: Yes, why?

Mabel:  I need privacy.

Me: Are you okay?

Mabel: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for asking.


I leave and go down the hall to the bedroom.

Mabel follows about ten minutes after.


Me: All done?

Mabel: Yes. I poo-ed. Did you hear me?

Me: Nope.

Mabel:  Mommy, this is what I've learned. Poo comes without making a sound. It comes out, then it slips into the water.

Me: Huh.

Mabel: Unless there's a fart. (Deep sigh) Well, that's all I know. I guess I should be heading back to the bathroom. I left my pants there, so. I'll be right back okay. Are you going to be okay?

Me: I'll be okay.

Mabel: Okay, you're welcome for asking.

The Mermaid and The Diver: Part One.

Overheard in the bathtub...

 Diver voice: Mermaid, the dog is on the bottom of the lake! You have to save him!

Mermaid voice: Okay! I'm going down to get him!


Mermaid dives to the bottom of the tub, comes up without the dog.


Diver: Mermaid! You have to rescue the dog!

Mermaid: I'm so tired...

Diver: But if you want to be a hero, you have to be more than tired. You have to be exhausted.

Mermaid: Alright, alright, I'll try again.

Diver: You have to try, Mermaid. You have a fish for legs! I would do it, but I've got diver legs.

Mermaid: Do you like my fish legs?

Diver: Yeah, they're really nice. They're green.

Mermaid: Thank you. Do you want to come to my sea cave? You're a diver, you can dive dive dive down into the ocean and we can swim swim to my cave.

Mommy: Hey what about the dog you guys are trying to save?

Diver: Oh yeah, we should save the dog.

Mommy: The dog's on the bottom of the lake, right?

Mermaid: Yeah, we need to save the dog. I'm going to dive!


Mermaid disappears down in the tub to a musical flourish.


Mermaid: The dog is stuck. He's down there still.

Diver: You can do it Mermaid.


Mermaid dives down and comes up with the dog.


Mermaid: I did it! I got the dog, oh he's crying he's so happy.

Diver: Well, it's his bedtime. He gets crabby at bedtime.

Me: I think that might be shock, Mabel. If the dog was on the bottom of the ocean so long he's probably going into some kind of shock.

Mabel: Yeah, he's shocking.

Diver: You think this dog is okay?

Mermaid: Yes. But. I'm going to put him back on the bottom.

Me: How come?

Mermaid: He likes it down there it's cozy.

Diver: And then can you and I go to your cave?

Mermaid: That's what she said.

Mabel: Right mommy? Hahahahahahahahaha!

Me: You're getting better at those.

Diver: I wanna go to the cave!

Mermaid: Diver! I'm talking to Mommy, please say 'excuse me' when you want to interrupt!

Diver: Excuse me Mermaid.

Mermaid: Yes?

Diver: Do you want to see my cave?

Mermaid: No. I've got my own cave. But if you want to come over for some wine, follow me.


They swim away together.

Dropping the bomb

From the backseat...

Mabel: I dropped my doll on the floor. F*%#!

Silence.

Mabel: Mommy, did you hear that I say that word?

Me: Yes I did. Please don't say that word Mabel, I don't like that.

Mabel: Mommy, you don't like the f*%# word? F*%#?

Me: Yes, that word. Please don't say it anymore. That's not a good word.

Mabel: Mommy, do you know what word starts with f*%#? Fffffuh, ffffffuh, fffffuh, ffff*%#.

Me: Stop saying that please Mabel. And that's the sound, not the word. Fffffffuh.

Mabel: Ffff*%#.

Me: Mabel.

Mabel: That's a bad word Mommy, I'm not going to say that word anymore. Because it's not nice when kids say the f*%# word.

Silence.

Me: Thank you.

Mabel: You're welcome Mommy.

Silence.

Mabel: Could you get my doll for me?

I try. Not possible while driving.

Me: I can't reach it Mabes. I'll get it as soon as we stop.

Mabel: Oh fuck.

It's Baseball Season Again

- SUNG ON A KIDDIE MIC WITH VOICE AMPLIFICATION

Take me out to da ballgame
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanut butter, cracker jack
I don't care if you never come back

cuz its...

Mabel: MOMMY!

Me: Yes!

Mabel: WHAT IS IT?     WHAT.    IS.    IT?!


Me: UM.... For it's root root root for the home -

Mabel: I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

For it's root root root for the home game
If I don't win I'm ashamed
Cuz it's 1, 2, 3 you're dead. At the ball game. 

(drops mic on floor and walks away).