Where Does That Hole Go?

Me: We should update your blog, Mabes.

Mabel: Oh. I can't, my tummy just hurts. You can do it.

Me: What should I say for you?

Mabel: Thank you. Thank you.

Me: Thank you for what?

Mabel: Thank you for kissing me today. (Listening to Peter Pan record.) Is that Captain Hook?

Me: It is.

Mabel: Yeah, I like Captain Hook. But I don't like the other pirates. They're a little scary. Mommy, where does the toilet go?

Me: Huh? The toilet?

Mabel: Yeah, when you go into the hole, where do you go?

Me: Well, the hole goes into the floor, into some pipes, down into the basement and out into the street.

Mabel: So if i fall into the toilet I'll go into the floor, into the basement and out into the streets?

Me: Well...yes.

Mabel: Is that why I have my Dora seat?

Me: More or less.

Mabel: (long pause) Mommy, what would happen if I went into the toilet?

Me: You'd get grounded. Stay out of the toilet.

Mabel: I'm just pretending Mommy. It's how I learn. Get used to it.

Too Much Information.

Mabel: Mommy, could you leave the bathroom please?

Me: Yes, why?

Mabel:  I need privacy.

Me: Are you okay?

Mabel: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for asking.


I leave and go down the hall to the bedroom.

Mabel follows about ten minutes after.


Me: All done?

Mabel: Yes. I poo-ed. Did you hear me?

Me: Nope.

Mabel:  Mommy, this is what I've learned. Poo comes without making a sound. It comes out, then it slips into the water.

Me: Huh.

Mabel: Unless there's a fart. (Deep sigh) Well, that's all I know. I guess I should be heading back to the bathroom. I left my pants there, so. I'll be right back okay. Are you going to be okay?

Me: I'll be okay.

Mabel: Okay, you're welcome for asking.

The Mermaid and The Diver: Part One.

Overheard in the bathtub...

 Diver voice: Mermaid, the dog is on the bottom of the lake! You have to save him!

Mermaid voice: Okay! I'm going down to get him!


Mermaid dives to the bottom of the tub, comes up without the dog.


Diver: Mermaid! You have to rescue the dog!

Mermaid: I'm so tired...

Diver: But if you want to be a hero, you have to be more than tired. You have to be exhausted.

Mermaid: Alright, alright, I'll try again.

Diver: You have to try, Mermaid. You have a fish for legs! I would do it, but I've got diver legs.

Mermaid: Do you like my fish legs?

Diver: Yeah, they're really nice. They're green.

Mermaid: Thank you. Do you want to come to my sea cave? You're a diver, you can dive dive dive down into the ocean and we can swim swim to my cave.

Mommy: Hey what about the dog you guys are trying to save?

Diver: Oh yeah, we should save the dog.

Mommy: The dog's on the bottom of the lake, right?

Mermaid: Yeah, we need to save the dog. I'm going to dive!


Mermaid disappears down in the tub to a musical flourish.


Mermaid: The dog is stuck. He's down there still.

Diver: You can do it Mermaid.


Mermaid dives down and comes up with the dog.


Mermaid: I did it! I got the dog, oh he's crying he's so happy.

Diver: Well, it's his bedtime. He gets crabby at bedtime.

Me: I think that might be shock, Mabel. If the dog was on the bottom of the ocean so long he's probably going into some kind of shock.

Mabel: Yeah, he's shocking.

Diver: You think this dog is okay?

Mermaid: Yes. But. I'm going to put him back on the bottom.

Me: How come?

Mermaid: He likes it down there it's cozy.

Diver: And then can you and I go to your cave?

Mermaid: That's what she said.

Mabel: Right mommy? Hahahahahahahahaha!

Me: You're getting better at those.

Diver: I wanna go to the cave!

Mermaid: Diver! I'm talking to Mommy, please say 'excuse me' when you want to interrupt!

Diver: Excuse me Mermaid.

Mermaid: Yes?

Diver: Do you want to see my cave?

Mermaid: No. I've got my own cave. But if you want to come over for some wine, follow me.


They swim away together.

Dropping the bomb

From the backseat...

Mabel: I dropped my doll on the floor. F*%#!

Silence.

Mabel: Mommy, did you hear that I say that word?

Me: Yes I did. Please don't say that word Mabel, I don't like that.

Mabel: Mommy, you don't like the f*%# word? F*%#?

Me: Yes, that word. Please don't say it anymore. That's not a good word.

Mabel: Mommy, do you know what word starts with f*%#? Fffffuh, ffffffuh, fffffuh, ffff*%#.

Me: Stop saying that please Mabel. And that's the sound, not the word. Fffffffuh.

Mabel: Ffff*%#.

Me: Mabel.

Mabel: That's a bad word Mommy, I'm not going to say that word anymore. Because it's not nice when kids say the f*%# word.

Silence.

Me: Thank you.

Mabel: You're welcome Mommy.

Silence.

Mabel: Could you get my doll for me?

I try. Not possible while driving.

Me: I can't reach it Mabes. I'll get it as soon as we stop.

Mabel: Oh fuck.

It's Baseball Season Again

- SUNG ON A KIDDIE MIC WITH VOICE AMPLIFICATION

Take me out to da ballgame
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanut butter, cracker jack
I don't care if you never come back

cuz its...

Mabel: MOMMY!

Me: Yes!

Mabel: WHAT IS IT?     WHAT.    IS.    IT?!


Me: UM.... For it's root root root for the home -

Mabel: I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

For it's root root root for the home game
If I don't win I'm ashamed
Cuz it's 1, 2, 3 you're dead. At the ball game. 

(drops mic on floor and walks away).

Conversation

Mabel: Mommy, do you like my singing?

Me: Yes.

Mabel: DO YOU LIKE MY SINGING?

Me: Whoa! Yes, I said yes!

Mabel: That's convershayshun.

Me: Conversation?

Mabel: That's what I'm saying. That's what she said.

Me: Okay, okay. Can I ask you a question.

Mabel: Yes.

Me: There are a bunch of people who want to have  a conversation and talk to Canadians, but they don't want this one lady to be part of it. She's upset. Do you have any advice for her. Or for Canadians in general?

Mabel: Um, guess what? If a bed went flying with a girl with cereal and the girl was eating her Cheerios ....(trails off).

Me: So do you have any advice?

Mabel: Nope.

Me: Do you think Canadians should let her be part of this conversation.

Mabel: No.

Me: Okay, that's surprising. Why?

Mabel: Maybe we should get Gia's mom to let the lady in the conversation. It's the only thing we can do. And if you say, 'why?', i'll say 'because'.

Me: So you think Gia's mom Natalie is the right person for this job of getting the conversation started? Why?

Mabel: Because she's part of the conversation.

Me: Aren't we all part of this conversation?

Mabel: No, but Natalie is.  I think the Canadian mommies and daddies have to stay home, and the little kids have to go alone, with nobody else.

Me: Mabel, maybe we...

Mabel: Mommy, let me tell you something I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Me: But this is a conversation and i think a conversation is important.

Mabel: Well, that's surprising.

Advice For Corey Hart

I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my su-unglasses at night


Mabel: Mommy, why does that man wear his sunglasses at night?

Me: I don't know Mabel, why do you think?

Mabel: Hmmm. It's kind of strange.

Me: Why do you think he wears them?

Mabel: I'm going to think about it. I know. He wears his sunglasses because the moon is getting in his eyes.

Me: That makes sense.

Mabel: Yeah. He should sing 'I wear my moonglasses at night I wear my moonglasses at night'... NO!

brief pause


Mabel: I wear my sunMOONglasses at night. MOMMY! He has to wear his sunMOONglasses! Because the moon is getting in his eyes.

Me: Oh. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Mabel: That's what he's got to do. He's got to wear them. His sunMOONglasses. That's what he has to do. That's what he has to do.

*BONUS TRACK*

MOONGLASSES
nanananananana
I wear my moon glasses at night i wear my moonglasses at night
nanannanana
I hear the sun going down
the moon comes aga-a-ain
In the country I do the dance
I feel a-a-a mad
Oh-h-h-h the Beatles dance
Oh-h-h-h-h I heard you dance
dadadada
I've hear
I've heard my
I've heard mine too
and mine is that
and my song
heard you right
it's even better than the doodledaddle
I've heard my
I've heard my name called
My name got called in the name
I've heard the sun go down in me
in my song of god oh god oh
greeting greeting in my room
so I've heard a DVD and it said,
' Well, I didn't hear my name called'
It's called Anasofia
I've heard Anasofia at school
I know what her name is. 


- BY MABEL