Phantom pain

 Mabel:  Mommy, okay. You know...when... Okay. Mommy. You know when thurr's just... Mommy what do ghosts be for Halloween?

Me:  What are ghosts for Halloween? Well I think they're ghosts, right? They're already something, they're ghosts.

Mabel:  No.

Me:  No?

Mabel:  Mommy, just listen. Ghosts can't be ghosts because thurr already ghosts and you're suppost to wear a costume. So... Ghosts can't be ghosts!

Me:  I feel like you're really trying to complicate something that ghosts already had pretty figured out, Mabes.

Mabel:  Mommy, you told me I hadta have a costume. Now I'm worried that all the ghosts in the world will feel left out of Halloween because they jus have ghostiness and no costume. Isn't that sad?

Me:  Well I don't know how often they get invited to parties, so maybe it's not even a thing.

Mabel:  Mommy, you're being silly.

Me:  I'll try to watch that.

Mabel:  Mommy, I think I should start finding costumes for the ghosts to wear.

Me:  Good thinkin', Mabes.

Mabel:  Can I look in your closet?

Me:  You want to look in my closet for Halloween costume pieces...for ghosts?

Mabel:  Yeah, spooky clothes an' funny stuff too.

Me:  Things that make you look silly or scary. In my closet.

         Stay down, 'my self esteem'.

What Do The Bugs Want From Me?

Me:  Mabes, why are you walking like that?

Mabel:  Bugs.

Me:  Bugs on the ground?

Mabel:  Everywhere. In the air.

Me:  Oh. Well, bugs live outside Mabes. We don't have to be afraid of them. They're much smaller than we are.

Mabel:  But they fly. They get on me.

Me:  Uh huh. But they don't hurt you, right? They just go about their business.

Mabel:  You mean they go to work?

Me:  Sure, they have jobs to do and they're out getting their work done.

Mabel:  (Snorts) That's ridiculous.

Me:  Look closely,  I think that one has a briefcase.

Mabel:  MOMMY!

Me:  I'm just kidding. But they have jobs, and our big feet sometimes make it hard for them to do what they need to do.

Mabel:  Because they're stinky?

Me:  No. Because they have to worry that we might step on them or be afraid and swat them.

Mabel:  Swat?

Me:  Swat means hit.

Mabel:  Hitting isn't nice. We don't hit people.

Me:  Well, we shouldn't hit bugs either. We just get out of their way and wish them well.

Mabel:  I'm not going to hit bugs. I'm not going to run from them either, because I might step on them.

Me:  Good idea Mabes.


A wasp floats lazily around Mabel. She stands perfectly still and screams at the top of her lungs - horror movie scream - pure terror. Despite this, the wasp takes awhile to float away.


Mabel:  See Mommy? While I was screaming I was thinking about good things happening to that bug. I wished him well.

Mabel:  Good for you,  Mabesy.

Me:   Well, it's just like this - I'm growing up.

Wet Nurse

Mabel:  Mommy, pretend I was your baby and you said 'it's time to go to sleep baby.'

Me:  Baby, it's time to go to sleep.

Mabel:  And you saw that baby was cold so you gave her a blanket and she liked it.

(Mabel makes her baby sound, which sounds like a cross between a bird and an insane person gurgling)

Me: Better cuddle up under this blanket, baby.

Mabel:  And then it was morning and your baby woke up and she wanted milk.

Me:  Good morning, my sweet baby. It's time for your milk.

Mabel:  No, not from a cup. Baby gets milk from Mommy's boob.

Me:  Uh, correction. Baby USED to get milk from there, now she gets it from a cup.

Mabel:  Nooooo! Baby gets milk from your boob!

Me:  Not anymore Mabes.

Mabel:  I'm not MABES!

Me:  Sorry, not anymore 'baby'.

Mabel:  But you're a bad Mommy if you don't let your baby have your boob.

Me:  I'll take my chances in court. How about some blueberries, baby?

Mabel:  Okay.  (Pause) Can you put them in your shirt and I'll find them?

Me:  Nope.

Mabel:  I don't want to be your baby anymore. I'm going to find a Mommy who'll let me have her boob to drink from.

Me:  Well, your best bet is to head to Whole Foods.

Mabel:  I'm taking my DOLLY and I'm GOING UPSTAIRS!

(Doing just that, she stomps on each one of our 14 stairs to drive home her point. There is silence from upstairs and 10 minutes later I go up to her room to check on her.)

Me:  Mabes?

Mabel:  I'm feeding my baby!

(She stands up, fully naked behind her bedroom door with her dolly pasted to her breast. )

Me:  Wow! You really get involved, huh?

Mabel:  Yeah. She's a good girl. But she's still thirsty. Maybe you should feed her.

Me:  Well, she's YOUR baby, and I think you're doing a great job.

Mabel:  Yeah, but I'm getting so tired.

Me:  Being a Mommy is pretty tiring Mabes. But it's great too.

Mabel:  Yeah. Mommy, can my baby just drink from a bottle? I'm tired of feeding her.

Me:  Sure Mabes.

Mabel:  Look! She drank so much there's nothing left in my boob! It's totally flat! Wow, I need a drink!

Me:  I'm so glad we started our blog.

Mabel:  Why Mommy?

Me:  Ask me 16 years from now.

Please. Eat.

Me:  Mabel, please sit down and eat your breakfast.

Mabel: Okay-okay-okay.

(Pause.)

Mabel: I'm sitting.

Me:  Now eat something, please. Mabel. Eat something. Please.

Mabel: What's the majick word?

Me:  I said it.

Mabel:  No you didn't, Mommy.

Me:  Yes, I did. Now eat.

Mabel:  Mommy, you know the word I like to hear. Why don't you say it?

Me:  Yes, I did say it Mabel! Now EAT please! That's the magic word, I said it, now EAT!

Mabel:  That's where the majick word goes, right there, after 'eat', 'NOW EAT PLEASE'! You have to say please, Mommy. It's majick.

Me:  Mabel, you're magic, you're making me nuts. No kidding. Now stop stalling and eat something please, or I'm eating your breakfast myself and you'll be hungry.

Mabel:  Nooooo!

Me:  Then please eat!

Mabel: OKAY-OKAY-OKA-A-AY!

(Mabel eats two bites in silence.)

Mabel: Mommy, I love you.

Me:  I love you too, Mabes.

Mabel:  I have a hug for you.

Me:  Stay in your chair Mabes, you can give me the hug after you eat.

Mabel: Hug-gy!

(I reluctantly allow her to get out of her chair. I receive a lovely hug and kiss.)

Mabel: Hug for Daddy!

(Daddy receives same.)

Me:  Thank you Mabel, now back to your breakfast please.

(Mabel returns to her chair. She takes another bite.)

Mabel:  I'm full. I'm not hungry anymore.

Me: Mabes, you have to eat.  You can't go to daycare on an empty stomach. They won't give you any food until lunchtime and you'll be hungry.

Mabel:  No, I'm full.

Me:  No way, Mabes. You're eating more, you're not wasting that food.

Mabel:  Noooooo! I don't want anymore! My tummy hurts!

Me:  Mabel! You're fibbing! You just want to leave the table! YOU HAVE TO EAT! If you want to go to play, you have to eat!

Mabel:  I'm full!

Me:  Fine! But there are no snacks coming before lunch. I need you to know that.

Mabel:  I know! I don't want a snack!

Me:  Alright. Fine. You're excused.

(I start cleaning up the table. Mabel plays around me. She follows me into the kitchen as I carry her plate.)

Mabel: (very quietly) I don't want a snack, Mommy.  K'nai have a popsicle tho?

Me: Too soon, Mabes. (handing her her breakfast plate) Back to the table.

True Meaning Of Birthday.

Mabel:  It's my birthday, right?

Me:  On Friday. But tomorrow we're going to have a party so that all of your school friends can be there.

Mabel:  For my birthday?

Me:  That's right.

Mabel:  Because tomorrow is my birthday?

Me: Well, your birthday is on Friday. You have the same birthday as Canada.

Mabel:  Is it Canada's birthday tomorrow?

Me:  No, Canada's birthday is Friday.

Mabel: (tearing up) I want to have the same birthday as Canada.

Me:  You do! We're just celebrating tomorrow so that your friends from school can come.

Mabel:  Don't they know Canada?

Me:  Yes, they know Canada.

Mabel:  So why can't I have the same birthday as Canada anymore?

Me:  You do have the same birthday as Canada. It's like you're getting an EXTRA birthday this year.

Mabel:  Why doesn't Canada get an EXTRA birthday?

Me:  Because they voted Conservative.

Mabel:  Huh?

Me:  We're going to do a big party for Canada's birthday, just like we always do. And some of your friends will be there, but not all your school friends.

Mabel:  I love my birthday. I get swimming and fireworks.

Me: I know, it's a pretty awesome birthday Mabes. You'll always have the day off.

Mabel:  Even when I'm big?

Me:  Yep. July 1st is a holiday for everyone in Canada.

Mabel:  That's so rock n' roll n' awesome.

Me:  Yes it is, Bubs.

Mabel:  Happy birthday Mommy.

Me:  It's not MY birthday Mabesy.

Mabel:  Yes it is. You're Canada, and Daddy's Canada, and Teita's Canada, and Amtou's Canada, and Gaga and Abigail and Katelyn and Gia and Anasofia and Bodi.  They're all Canada so it's their birthday too.

Me:  You're right Mabel. Happy birthday to us!

Mabel:  Yeah! But just I get cake, right?

Me:  That's right.

Mabel: I love my birthday. 

Penis Problems

Mabel:  Mommy, today? at school? Nicholas asked if he could touch my penis.

Me:  Uh huh. Wait, what?

Mabel:  Nicholas asked Isla and me if he could touch our penis.

Me:  And what did you say?

Mabel:  Mommy, can you and Daddy and i go to the beach soon?

Me: Of course we will.

Mabel: We haven't gone for a long time.

Me: Well, it's been very cold at the beach because winter has been here. But now that the weather is warmer again we can go. So what did you say to Nicholas when he asked you that?

Mabel:  Because it's summer now? Is that why we can go? Summer is warm right?

Me: Right. And yes. You don't have a penis Mabel.

Mabel: Yes I do! I do too have a penis!

Me:  No you don't. You have a vagina.

Mabel:  (saying vagina over and over again and laughing) My mermaid doesn't have a vagina. She's got a fish penis.

Me:  Wait a minute. I need to remember what you're saying right now, we're writing your blog. This conversation is definitely our blog. Why do you think your mermaid has a fish penis?

Mabel:  Because her legs come to a point and she can't walk on it.

Me:  Okay, alright, I think i see what you're getting at.

Mabel:  Mommy, can I bring my helicopter to the beach (riding toy).

Me:  Mabel, you wouldn't be able to ride your helicopter at the beach because of all the sand.

Mabel:  (Thinking) Because the wheels would get stuck in the sand?

Me:  That's right. How would it go?

Mabel:  It wouldn't. It would be like a penis.

Me:  Yeah, so what did you tell Nicholas?

Mabel:  I just showed him my bu-uutt.

Me: Don't show anyone else your butt, okay Mabes?

Mabel:  Just my penis?

Me:  Don't show your penis either. Or your vagina. Just keep that for yourself, okay?

Mabel:  Okay.

Me:  And if Nicholas ever asks again you tell him 'No, that's just for me!'

Mabel:  I'll say 'No Nicholas, my mommy says that my penis is special so i can't show it to you because my mommy says it's too cold out. But if you come to the beach with me and if i show it to you at the beach it'll get stuck in the sand. And I don't want to leave it on the beach, because, it's just for me.'

Me: Close enough.

Spoiler Alert

Lying on her bed in the dark staring up at the ceiling...

Mabel: Mommy?

Lying beside and below her on the trundle mattress...

Me:  Yes Mabes?

Mabel:  Y'know that movie? That one?

Me:  Which movie?

Mabel:  The one. With the Witch. And the Wizard. And the Scarecrow and the Woodsman, and Dorothy? Remember that movie? With the Tin Woodsman and the Cowardly Lion and Dora and Boots and the Wizard and the monkeys are flying and the Witch goes "I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog!" and the Wizard is a big green head, and it's sca-a-a-a-ry, but then Dorothy finds the guy behind the curtain and the Witch gets her in her castle and Dora and Boots fly on unicorns and save her and then I, I go back to my family and you and you (pointing down at me) and you are there, and Dorothy tries to pour water on the Witch, but the Witch goes like this (sheilding face with hands) and then Dora is there and she breathes fire out of her mouth? Fire comes out? That movie?


Long Pause.


Me:  Yeah.

Mabel: I like that movie.


Aaand sleep.