CRINGE-Y

MONDAY MORNING.
Mabel finds me checking out a ghost tour site. Me and my friend Jen like to take in a ghostly event in honour of Halloween. We're both really into ghosts, spooky places and history. Hot right?

MABEL: Are you guys going to a séance?

ME: Spoooooooooookeeeeeeeeeey ooooooohhhh.

SHE SMIRKS, SHAKES HER HEAD.
MABEL: Cringe!

ME: Mabel, on a scale of 1-10 how 'cringe' am I?

ANOTHER SMIRK.
MABEL: We're not doing this, really?

ME: That's a pretty interesting non-answer.  Am I cringe? I'm not right?

MABEL: Oh yes you are.

ME: Well. I'm Ok. With being cringe. Cringe is cool.

JUST QUIET STILLNESS FROM HER. LIKE WHEN THEY'RE HIDING FROM THE T-REX IN JURASSIC EVERYTHING.

ME: On a scale of like 1-10 with 10 being the 'est' of the cringe-y, how cringe am I?

I WATCH HER REPLAY SOMETHING IN HER HEAD.

Me: Like....when?

Mabel: I have to get ready for school and if we start this I'm going to be late.

SIDE NOTE:   IT'S 8AM. SCHOOL STARTS AT 8:45AM AND WE HAVE A 20 MINUTE WALK TOGETHER TO THE STREETCAR. PLENTY OF TIME FOR A VERY. SHORT. LIST.  

ME: On a scale of 1-10?

MABEL:  Sssssss-sssssss-ffffffffiiivve? Five? Five out of ten?

ME: I have to live with that.

MABEL:  You and me both.
It's just this thing we have to deal with in our family. You're cringe, Daddy's cringe, and I'm a total weirdo. It's our thing.

ME: So it's great being cringe right?

MABEL: Well, sometimes it's embarrassing but like, yeah. We're us.

ME: Yeah. And like...where is Daddy on the 1-10 scale?

THINKING
MABEL: When Daddy first farted in front of my friends I was really embarrassed, but now I know it's just a thing all dads do.

ME: I've been there, Daddy doesn't care who hears him fart.
But what is one thing I do that's really cringe?

MABEL: Nope.

ME: Well which of us has a higher number on the scale?

MABEL:  I'm not putting my parents' cringe-ynesses up against each other! You're both cringe-y!

ME: Tell me the cringe-y-est thing I do!

MABEL: NO!  Because if I do you'll stop doing it!

It's Time

Just a quick note of thanks to everyone who followed this blog over the years. I really enjoyed writing it but took a break because, well, life.

Now Mabel is 11 and in the sixth grade. Our conversations have changed a bit but she's still dropping  science and many of her ideas shock and amaze me. I'm going to return to blogging some of our more interesting sessions and I hope you will keep reading.

xo
Lisa, mom of Mabel

Real Help

We pick up the action as Mabel requests my presence in the bathroom for the 9th time to watch her do a floating trick in the bathtub.

Mabel:  Mommy would you PLEASE come here and watch me?

Me:  No Mabes, I said "This is the last time, the last time."  Now I'm doing something else for you.

Mabel:  What are you doing?

Me:  I'm cleaning your room.

Mabel:  That's nice Mommy. But if you want to do something really nice for me...you'll come here and watch this.

Lemonade

Mabel told me this joke over dinner last night. She learned it at school and she told it really well. So I just got her to repeat it to me. Enjoy!

Lemonade

The duck paddled over to the lemonade stand that day and he says,
"Heyyy buddy, got anyyyyyyy...grapes?"

And the lemonade guy says, "We don't have any grapes, we have lemonade."
And the duck paddled away, but he came paddling back the very next day, and he said...
"Hey duuude, got annnnyyyy grapes?"

And the lemonade guy said, "No, we don't have grapes, this is a lemonade stand."
And the duck paddled away, but he came right back the very next day.
"Heeeeeyyyyyy man, got anyyyyy grapes?"

And the lemonade guy said, "This is a lemonade stand, we don't have grapes and if you ask again I'm going to glue you to a tree and leave you there forever!" And the duck paddled away, but he came paddling back the very next day.
"Heeyyyyy duuude, I've got two questions for you. Got anyyyyyy glue?"

And the lemonade man said, "No! This is a lemonade stand!!!"
And the duck said, "Well then my second question is...got annyyyyy grapes?"


 *Editor's note: At the second telling, Mabel made it 'three' questions and the second question was, "Got any boogery noses?" But the staff here at MDS didn't feel you needed to know that.

This Is Why Mommy Drinks Wine At Dinnertime.

Mabel:  Mommy? Can I have a deal? If I eat all this broccoli, and these pieces of turkey burger, can I be done dinner?

Me:  Mabes, I don't do eating deals. That's Daddy's thing, not mine.

Mabel:  But if I finish those things, can I be done?

Me: I told you Mabes, I don't do deals.

Mabel:  But can I be done if I eat all that?

Me:  No. You have to eat your whole dinner.

Mabel:  But I'm not hungry.

Me:  Okay, well then you'd better go upstairs and go to bed to preserve your energy.

Mabel: I want to go play with Abigail and Catelyn.

Me:  Well, if you don't eat your dinner you're going to be too weak to play.

Mabel:  No I'm not.

Me:  Yeah, you will. And you'll tell me you're hungry too.

Mabel: No I won't.

Me:  Just finish your dinner, Mabes.

Mabel: But if I just eat those pieces I'll be full.

Me:  No deals.

Mabel:  But I can eat just those pieces and be done?

Me:  Fine. Yes.

Mabel:  Can I have ice cream for dessert?


The longest stare down in the history of stare downs happens between us.


Mabel:  I'm pushing it, right?

Me:  Yep.

Mabel:  It's okay, I get it.
You can just give me cookies.

Rules.

Me: Could you go get in the bath, please Bubs?

Mabel: (sobbing. head pressed against the upstairs back bedroom screen window. looking forlornly down the street at her friends.) I don't like Daddy anymore.

Me:  What happened? Tell me.

Mabel:  Daddy made me come inside and quit playing. and NOBODY else has to go in yet, they're still playing outside.

Me:  Mabes, it's 7 o'clock. Everybody goes in pretty close to 7. They're gonna go in any second. All of them. You all have roughly the same bedtime.

Mabel:  Uh uh. Katelyn gets to stay up later. She told me.

Me:  Well, Katelyn is 9. You are four.

Mabel:  Yeah. I'm gonna be 9 one time. I should have thought better of that.

Me:  Yeah.

Mabel:  Why do grown-ups get to stay up late and kids don't?

Me:  Because we're adults, and adults make all the rules. That's just the way it is. But it changes, because you grow up and you become an adult. Then you get to make all your own rules. And the better your rules are, the better you'll do out there.

Mabel:  Yeah. That makes sense.

Me:  Yeah? Good.

Mabel:  And your Mommy and Daddy died right, so now you have me and you get to make the rules for me right?

Me:  Right. And I try to make good rules for you so that you'll be better at making your own rules when the time comes. Make sense?

Mabel:  Yeah.

Me:  And we'll work on letting you start making some of your own rules very soon, okay? It'll be one of our summer projects.  What do you think?

Mabel:  Yeah, I want to make a rule. And then Team Brookalieh has to follow it.

Me: Okay.

Mabel:  My rule is I always get ice cream after dinner and you have to give it to me and let me have it, and you can't say, "NO CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM FOR YOU YOU DID NOT FINISH YOUR DINNER!"

Me:  Daddy and I will conference on that.


A little pause. Then...


Mabel: I love Daddy.

Me:  I know. Go get in the bath.

Not Tricked, No Treat.

Mabel:  Mom-mee? For eating so much dinner, can I have a treat? 

Me:  (looking at her virtually untouched dinner plate) No, Mabes. You can't.

Mabel:  Whyyy? 

Me:  Because just saying 'I ate so much', isn't the same as actually eating. You didn't eat anything, Mabes. 

Mabel:  I'm not hungry. 

Me:  Okay, but then don't ask for a treat. 

Mabel:  My tummy told me that it doesn't want broccoli. 

Me:  Well, my Mommy-ness out-ranks your tummy. 

Mabel:  Then I'm not going to love you anymore. 

Me:  Okay. 

Mabel:  When you ask for a hug, I'm going to say 'no'. 

Me:  I'll take it under advisement. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? If you give me a treat, I'll eat the rest of my broccoli. 

Me:  That's not the way it works, buddy. 

Mabel:  Do you know what I'm doing right now? I'm looking for another family to come get me.  I'll go live with Anasofia's mommy. Then you'll never get to see me. You'll miss me. 

Me:  Yes I will. 

Mabel:  You'll have to find another little girl to love you, because I won't love you anymore. 

Me:  I'll be very sad. It will be hard because I love you so much. 

Mabel:  Maybe your next girl will eat my broccoli. 

Me:  Ooh, do you think so? I'll put that in my ad. 

Mabel:  What ad? 

Me:  The one I'm going to put in the paper, looking for a new little girl to replace you when you go away. Ooh, I guess I'd better go pack your bag. This is the sad part, huh?

Mabel:  Yes. 

There's a long pause, followed by several mouthfuls of broccoli. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? You wouldn't really get another kid, would you? 

Me:  You'd be impossible to replace, Mabes. I'd never let you go. 

Mabel:  I love you Mommy. And I love broccoli! I just remembered! 

After chewing several bites of broccoli at the same time, Mabel takes a messy hunk of green out of her mouth and not-so-subtley drops it on the floor beneath her chair. 

Mabel:  Mom-mee? NOW can I have a treat?